Life is Hard Plain and Simple

Life is Hard

I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here, I’ve been counting cracks in the ceiling and I’ve been feeling like my chest is going to cave in. Life isn’t quite the same when you stop believing in it. When you don’t see any hope for it to get better.
It amplifies things, it makes emotional displays that much more real to you, it makes you think that much deeper because it’s all things that could complete you, yet internally, instinct reminds that you have nothing like it.

You can’t get knocked down because you have nothing to lose, it’s hard to disappoint because you don’t really expect anything, and you don’t bother talking about it because no one can really grasp it unless they’ve actually been there.

As a real man I don’t run from my problems, I own them, but in a way, when you lose enough, there truly is no coming back from it. You find that the problems have a way of owning you instead, the aftermath being that everyday is a trick of simply convincing yourself that you are okay, when in truth, you are so far from it.

The only thing worse then feeling this shit is the fact that there is no one to really talk to about it, REALLY talk to. There is no point to throw your personal business out to people for the simple sake of giving them something to do. I’d rather swallow the bullshit, the pain, and appreciate the small things, which at this point can be something as small as a movie from the redbox (which brings me to that point, redbox, your selection lately has been shit) 

The more you experience, the more you know

Life is a demented place; it’s a constant transition of opportunity, experience, after-effects. No choice comes without a reaction, no decision comes without pros and cons, and ultimately, life is a guessing game until magically things just fold into place and make sense.

It’s weird how living changes your view toward things also, at a more juvenile time in ilfe there is a common mistake of judging everything and everyone around you, then, the more life you experience, the more you just want to get through a day without experiencing judgment. Without the feeling like someone thinks that they know you, or what you have been through.

In a perfect world everyone would appreciate one another, would compliment the good things about someone, and reassure people on the pitfalls of sadness that they face, but we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a harsh ditch of hell in which every good feeling counts for something because often the negative times far outweigh the positive.

Eventually, when you deal with enough bullshit, you get to a point where if you can just reach a comfortable numb, days start to go by a little bit smoother. I couldn’t tell you which was better, I try not to think about it because thinking rarely leads to positive thoughts.

There is a song lyric that means something to everyone

Isn’t it weird how we can find things in music and various entertainment venues that actually describe who we are in a way? As if a message entirely describes who we are deep down in, and while we have searched for ways to explain it, nothing seemed quite accurate enough? Then you listen to some music and it slaps you across the face? I think we all do…mine is with a song I’ve already shown a number of people because I think that it can heavily to relate to most people:

“I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart, It’s a little faded but so am I”

Is a lyric from “Best I Can” , by a band called Art of Dying. Morbid band name, incredible band.

In a way I think the best way to describe me is someone that has completely given up on most of society and life, you can call that a negative attitude, hell it is one, but the truth is there are so few things that truly matter to me, but the things that do matter, I would do anything for.

Everyone has different standards they base their life around, I like to think of my standards as needing a reason behind my actions. I need reasons to put my all into something, I need reasons for my actions. I never do something for the sake of keeping busy, I’ve always found that to be incredibly stupid. I see people unable to sit still and just take quiet time for what it is: quiet time. When it comes to times of action, with the right reasons, there is no stopping me.

I think everyone has an incredible amount of potential, but potential is never put to full application until someone has a reason to do so. If you give someone that bullshit “In order to succeed you must do this”, maybe, maybe this will work on some people, but it is rare.

However, give someone a reason to live, inspire them with things that they truly care about, and suddenly you have someone that is doing things that at one time you would consider impossible from them.

The same can be said about breaking someone, take the reasons away from someone for when they inspired to be the best they could be, same result, devastation. The inability to really meet what they could truly be.

In a way I suppose this is venting, trying to explain to myself why inside feels like such a fucking roller coaster, I try to convince myself that writing about it helps sometimes, maybe it does, maybe it intensifies it, but either way, maybe this is me just writing this to let anyone know that feels this same shit, you’re not alone.

Or maybe I’m the only one that thinks like this, which in that case, my mind is a fucking mess, but that’s not a new piece of news to me.

That’s enough therapy for a day.

 

Image from: truentmagazine.com

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Shades of Memory

A rose twisted in the sky
It spread its wings across blue haze
Enveloped by the shades of red
Each shade a symbol, a hope thats bled

Fragile from the time alone
The rose gently fell from crimson skies
With a smile; she knew the end
Acceptance glazed within her eyes

The shade of season tipped by time
Scar tissue seared in the ridge of our mind
When thinking back can wet the ground
From the tears that fall; faithless, unbound

It’s the story of the genuine
A tale that takes the breath away
Without this pain who could tell
The night between the common day

Without pain; we’d see no light
Without beauty there would be no sights
If all was simple, simply plain
We’d all be absent of a name

The strength of difference; guilty stride
Where hope and pain are often tied
These things we call societies shade
It’s what we breathe in every day

So mark a chapter; shed some light
See the day the same as night
See time as choice, a path you pave
Tomorrow will come if you choose to stay

A dislodged mirror; two shades; one day
A reflection you live and a shade of could be
All tied into a book we call memory

We finalize our own chapters, and seal them with hope

Art of Dying- Sorry

Art of Dying- Sorry

 

 

Lyrics

 

“Sorry”

Seems like everyday you cross my mind
Even after such a long long time
I still think about the way you smile
It tears me apart to know that it won’t ever be the same again
No it won’t ever be the same again

Now I’m sorry that I left you
I can’t go back
I can’t change anything
I’m sorry that I said “so long”
I never meant to hurt you
Sorry I waited so long

Not really sure what I’m doing back here
Why I stayed away for all those years
I guess I had to try to find myself
I’m the only one to blame
No one else can ever make it all go away
Or make up, make up for all my mistakes

Now I’m sorry that I left you
I can’t go back
I can’t change anything
I’m sorry that I said “so long”

Now I’m sorry that I left you
I can’t go back
I can’t change anything
I’m sorry that I said “so long”
I never meant to hurt you
Sorry I waited so long
Sorry I waited so long

If I could do this all over
I’d want to go back, I’d want to go back
If I could only start over
I’d take it all back,
I’d take it all back for you
I’d take it all back for you

Now I’m sorry that I left you
I can’t go back
I can’t change anything
I’m sorry I said “so long”

And I’m sorry that I left you
I can’t go back
I can’t change anything
I’m sorry I said “so long”
I never meant to hurt you
Sorry I waited so long
Sorry I waited so long
Sorry I waited so long

That I waited so long

Bleeding Soul

Bleeding Soul

Take a second back to see
What a different choice would do for me
If I chose a different road
Would these wounds begin to close?
The scars that trace inside of me
The symbol of what shouldn’t be

I could scream into the air
It wouldn’t matter, no one’s there

Will this poison plague tomorrow
Tensions high and lined with sorrow
The blend of a soul, the touch of pain
The loss of knowing things can’t change
The stain of words that taint my name
And myself, the one blame

Knowing things were left as plain
Destined and left to be the same

The more I seem to lose control
The more I see a bleeding soul
The pain inside, no where to go
The more I see, the less I know

This whole that’s opened up inside
Has left me simply asking why

Yet I can’t seem I look away

With my hopes bolted to the floor
Suspended, they can’t take much more
The urge to speak is now deplete
A living image, incomplete

For all this feeling there is no sound
A broken man lays on the ground
His hopes are withered, his loss is real
The pain is all he seems to feel

And laying there, he just wants it to end

Image from: zunking.wordpress.com

Drift Inside the Night

The tunnels change as time transpires
Each step I take is bathed in fire
And it doesn’t really matter
I’ve been running in circles, all is the same
Swallowing guilt and taking on blame

As I bury the essence
The shame that’s my name

Fatigue has worn down my eyes
Feeling inside has become frail
And there is little left for me

Sighs worth a thousand whispers
Left as hopes hook in despair
Without a thought to believe
We become puppets, void of care

I blink and the weight inside becomes unreal
As much as I don’t want to feel
When I let my mind free
I’m lost in the grasp that’s left of me
It feels I’ve held on for countless nights
I wouldn’t know, I’ve stopped keeping track

The roads that lead to my heart
Are dismantled, mounds of sorrow
I walk away with the light to my back
Unsure of the pain that will come from tomorrow

When each step feels like a nightmare
Inside becomes a cord of pain
With every loss comes a pluck
Reminding me, it’s all the same

I hang my head in sequence
Just like I always do
Visions flash inside of me
Exempt from one thought to believe

I stopped dreaming, you should know
There is no place for me to go
So I will drift inside the night

And wander where I won’t be found

Image from: http://www.internetmonk.com