Drivers Ed Teachers Cause Paranoia

We have all interacted in one way or another with this phenomena, whether you were someone that went through the class, or someone unfortunate enough to pull up behind someone that has this sticker on the car:


It is a sign that there is a headache to come. Granted, I can appreciate that newer drivers definitely need to be taught the wrongs and rights of driving etiquette, in addition to the knowledge of how to not crash the vehicle, but these teachers are imbeciles. They really are. Having sat through a class myself I can speak from personal experience, and while I never went on the road with one of these scholars, my powers of observation are quite on point.

Anytime I get behind one of these student driver vehicles I just begin to think “Here comes some dumb shit, one, two, three…ah there it is”, and there is a reason for it. Here is why:

  1. Speed limit etiquette- I USED to drive like a maniac, talking 20-30 mph over any given speed limit, as you age the need to get places faster slows down. The normal while on the road these days is roughly 5-10mph over the speed limit (safe-wise), and as long as the area isn’t an overly busy area it is normally acceptable as a universal standard. So, why is it that every student driver I run into is going 5-10mph UNDER the speed limit? If anything this is more likely to cause accidents and cause mass confusion and anger on the road.
  2. Turns at red light- Yes, these still exist. No, the drivers teachers do not encourage them. I guess waiting for the green light is there way of ‘waiting for the right opportunity to turn’, which is bullshit. I sat behind one of these people at a red light and began to wonder whether the drivers ed teacher had a seizure or something in the vehicle. I saw gradual attempts to pull forward and the drivers ed teacher began to throw old man fits in the car, which is the equivalent of trying to wave hands in an anger-orchestrated manner, but at his age it looked more like arthritis was really kicking his ass.
  3. The big bad stop sign- Again, yes, we have to stop at these. It’s one of the first things you learn when you begin to read one of those wonderful driving manuals. Lets face it, if you ask a soon to be driver what the sign that is red and has the word ‘STOP’ gracefully printed in its center of it means, and they reply “Green”, then maybe they should stick to scooters, or hell, throw em one of those giant balls that allow oxygen to seep in. Don’t forget the helmet too.
  4. Method of teaching- When you look into these vehicles you can tell that the person teaching the driver is borderline out of it. It looks like they are barely in the moment, could be suffering from some crazed dementia, and their instructions are probably being mumbled. However, improper compliance of their guidance brings on the arthritic seizure, so beware. Seriously though, anytime you look into one of these vehicles the kid looks terrified and it is because the teaching sucks. They have no idea what they hell they are doing, meanwhile the helpful teacher is like “Just wing it, if you do something wrong I will let you know”, little did the teacher mention that an incorrect choice might lead to the need for CPR. Must be the alzheimer’s kicking in.
  5. A little energy goes a long way- If there is a show of optimism when someone does well with the driving, it can go a long way. Which brings me back to the age category of these teachers, I don’t think energy is their strong suit. It’s like taking candidates for a Mr. Miagi film (think karate kid) where acceptable driving is met with a bow of understanding. A bow? Yepp, that will really inspire the confidence to get these people out on the road going nuts. A little bit of enthusiasm for a job well done is encouraging, the borderline stroke nod with a mumbled “You did okay today”, wow, that’s reassuring.

Ultimately, I think that driving should be something taught in house. Sure, parents can yell a lot more and be a whole lot more judgmental, but most of them are also capable of showing all the appropriate emotions at the proper times.

This also isn’t to critique the older generation, I have no problem with aged people, as a matter of fact I get along more with you then most of my generation, because my generation is filled with morons.

Anyways, a post for the simple factor of maybe a laugh. Hope it was enjoyed.

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