Life is Hard
I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here, I’ve been counting cracks in the ceiling and I’ve been feeling like my chest is going to cave in. Life isn’t quite the same when you stop believing in it. When you don’t see any hope for it to get better.
It amplifies things, it makes emotional displays that much more real to you, it makes you think that much deeper because it’s all things that could complete you, yet internally, instinct reminds that you have nothing like it.
You can’t get knocked down because you have nothing to lose, it’s hard to disappoint because you don’t really expect anything, and you don’t bother talking about it because no one can really grasp it unless they’ve actually been there.
As a real man I don’t run from my problems, I own them, but in a way, when you lose enough, there truly is no coming back from it. You find that the problems have a way of owning you instead, the aftermath being that everyday is a trick of simply convincing yourself that you are okay, when in truth, you are so far from it.
The only thing worse then feeling this shit is the fact that there is no one to really talk to about it, REALLY talk to. There is no point to throw your personal business out to people for the simple sake of giving them something to do. I’d rather swallow the bullshit, the pain, and appreciate the small things, which at this point can be something as small as a movie from the redbox (which brings me to that point, redbox, your selection lately has been shit)
The more you experience, the more you know
Life is a demented place; it’s a constant transition of opportunity, experience, after-effects. No choice comes without a reaction, no decision comes without pros and cons, and ultimately, life is a guessing game until magically things just fold into place and make sense.
It’s weird how living changes your view toward things also, at a more juvenile time in ilfe there is a common mistake of judging everything and everyone around you, then, the more life you experience, the more you just want to get through a day without experiencing judgment. Without the feeling like someone thinks that they know you, or what you have been through.
In a perfect world everyone would appreciate one another, would compliment the good things about someone, and reassure people on the pitfalls of sadness that they face, but we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a harsh ditch of hell in which every good feeling counts for something because often the negative times far outweigh the positive.
Eventually, when you deal with enough bullshit, you get to a point where if you can just reach a comfortable numb, days start to go by a little bit smoother. I couldn’t tell you which was better, I try not to think about it because thinking rarely leads to positive thoughts.
There is a song lyric that means something to everyone
Isn’t it weird how we can find things in music and various entertainment venues that actually describe who we are in a way? As if a message entirely describes who we are deep down in, and while we have searched for ways to explain it, nothing seemed quite accurate enough? Then you listen to some music and it slaps you across the face? I think we all do…mine is with a song I’ve already shown a number of people because I think that it can heavily to relate to most people:
“I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart, It’s a little faded but so am I”
Is a lyric from “Best I Can” , by a band called Art of Dying. Morbid band name, incredible band.
In a way I think the best way to describe me is someone that has completely given up on most of society and life, you can call that a negative attitude, hell it is one, but the truth is there are so few things that truly matter to me, but the things that do matter, I would do anything for.
Everyone has different standards they base their life around, I like to think of my standards as needing a reason behind my actions. I need reasons to put my all into something, I need reasons for my actions. I never do something for the sake of keeping busy, I’ve always found that to be incredibly stupid. I see people unable to sit still and just take quiet time for what it is: quiet time. When it comes to times of action, with the right reasons, there is no stopping me.
I think everyone has an incredible amount of potential, but potential is never put to full application until someone has a reason to do so. If you give someone that bullshit “In order to succeed you must do this”, maybe, maybe this will work on some people, but it is rare.
However, give someone a reason to live, inspire them with things that they truly care about, and suddenly you have someone that is doing things that at one time you would consider impossible from them.
The same can be said about breaking someone, take the reasons away from someone for when they inspired to be the best they could be, same result, devastation. The inability to really meet what they could truly be.
In a way I suppose this is venting, trying to explain to myself why inside feels like such a fucking roller coaster, I try to convince myself that writing about it helps sometimes, maybe it does, maybe it intensifies it, but either way, maybe this is me just writing this to let anyone know that feels this same shit, you’re not alone.
Or maybe I’m the only one that thinks like this, which in that case, my mind is a fucking mess, but that’s not a new piece of news to me.
That’s enough therapy for a day.
Image from: truentmagazine.com