The Bat in the Loft

Another old blog post, but a true story, and an amusing one at that.

The Bat in the Loft
This story begins one evening when my wife, son, and I had just gotten home from shopping. We were unpacking the bags, which living on the third floor, I carry up every single one on my arms. I refuse to make a second trip, call me stupid, I just hate stairs.
We are putting things away and my wife screams, I turn to her and I’m like:
“WTF? What are you screaming about?
Wife: “There is a bat up in the loft”

*PAUSE*

Let me explain something, I hate bats. They aren’t cute, they are normally dirty diseased animals from what little I know of them they bite.

*Unpause*

So I’m looking up at the loft and I say what comes to mind that’s reasonable
“You’re seeing shit, there’s no bat up there.”
A second later, and I do mean a second, this little bastard comes swooping down in front of me and I jump back with a manly ‘yelp’. I decided I was going to take it into my own hands after debated with my wife if she loves animals so much she should take it on.
So I go in the closet, and I grab a broom handle, my plan: I was gonna play baseball with the little shit.
Wife: “What are you doing you can’t hurt it!?”
Me: “What? Really? What, would you like me to do? Pet it? Ask it to sit still?”
Battle proceeds, I lose, I go up with my special bat catcher: a blanket. Now, bats apparently, are incredibly stupid. This thing comes flying right at me and I’m like holy shit!
It had no fear, because it was blind and stupid.
The battle continues- in the loft
So I’m sitting up there and I’m like okay this isn’t working, maybe he will find his own way out. I get my wife and son in our room and close the door and I start watching TV with the windows wide open, this stupid ass thing is just bumping around…my wife comes out and says the TV has to be off for it to fully cooperate.
Now, to that idea, I said hell no. I was not sitting in the dark while this little rat with wings terrorized my mental stability. I returned to the loft for my second round of torro.

Bats are incredibly fast, so I was jumping around like Tinkerbelle, granted it wasn’t my toughest moment of life, I am proud to say I didn’t have rabies.

Well finally It settles down and I get moving toward it to hit the light on, I hit the light it shoots at me, I throw the blanket at it, wallah, little bastards caught under it. Got it recorded and everything. Yeah, forgot to mention that part, while I’m playing torro with this little bastard I’m being recorded as though this is something that should be on pay per view.

The capture of the beast- the freedom of the loft
The bat is caught under the blanket and I go to pick it up, the little bastard starts kicking around and I freak out some more. I wrap it up and I’m running down the loft, and my wife goes:
“Can I see it?” I want to take a picture”
My response was a lot of profanity followed by a few hell no’s, keeping in mind the entire time this battle was occurring she was recording my misfortune.
I ran down to let the bat out, and since then I haven’t entertained the idea of animal control, unless the next time it is with a tennis racket.

 

***Update***

I ended up battling 2 more during my stay at this given apartment and I am proud to say the follow ups involved me and a broom and I put Babe Ruth to shame. 🙂

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2 thoughts on “The Bat in the Loft

    • Haha,
      Thank you Craig. Yes, if at the very least it can give a few laughs then mission accomplished. I considered a career in animal control after I saw how well I dealt with wild animals, not really, but I discovered I’m quite talented at hitting moving objects.

      Like

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