A Quest of Self-Loathing

Have you ever had that feeling where you just can’t stand who you are? Of course you have; in one form or another, it’s human nature. Whether it’s the way you look, a decision that you made that you didn’t think through enough, we have all been there.

So, why am I writing about it? I guess it’s because while it seems easy enough to call human nature, it’s a human nature we tend to ignore. Instead, it’s as though we punish ourselves for it. Whether we go out and make a ton of bad decisions, lock ourselves behind doors and binge on whatever “poison” gets us through the day, or a number of different things, over time it begins to take a toll.

Again, why am I writing about this? I guess it’s because the feeling has become something so “natural” that it needs to be pointed out that it’s something as an individual CAN in fact be countered.

I ran away from life for months, I ignored key problems in my life and let them gradually bury me in an emotional coma. I then numbed myself and tried to hide from my problems. While I could sit here and blame many things the person to TRULY blame is myself.

I gained weight, hated everything I saw in the mirror, and simply became the very core of depression. One day all of that finally changed and I said enough was enough. I can sit here and continue to be disgusted with myself or I can start building toward a change.

I decided to make a change.

Since that very day I’ve strived to a better me every single day. There is no instant gratification. I’m not going to go out and jog for 10 minutes and suddenly have a 6 pack, nope, I’m going to have to work and beat out every bit of weakness I allowed into me. The point to this is this: when it comes to being harsh on self-judgment I am the king of setting standards against myself. If I can do it, anyone can do it.

If you aren’t happy with yourself take the time to make the change. If you feel embarrassed because of how people may see you struggling to make the change, screw them, they don’t matter. Starting out (again) I’d run up the street and be winded. Since the time I’ve started and now I’ve tripled that distance and still am building day by day.

Don’t let the eyes of the public hinder your own personal quest for change. The only person that can solidify being beaten is you. When you quit the game is over, as long as you remind yourself that you can be a little bit better every day then you are still building toward a better you.

I am still disgusted when I look at myself, but even then, there is the reminder “I am doing something about it.”

When depression gets a leash on you it’s incredibly difficult to break free from, but it isn’t impossible. Some days will in fact feel like complete and total hell, but even then you have to remind yourself that it’s a state of mind, and a state of mind can change from embracing something you enjoy; whether it be a book, a video game, or a simple cup of coffee.

Lastly, we have to live in a way that is set by our own personal standards. The more we concern ourselves with how others feel we should be, the more we lose ourselves and the personal identity that makes us strong as individuals. Each of us has a set of standards, a set of likes and dislikes, and the closer we keep ourselves to the things that make us special and unique, is the more likely that we will be to find true happiness.

I’m probably the most pessimistic, negative person I know. Murphy’s law applies to everything in my life; the theory of “what can go wrong will go wrong.” Even with this in mind though I am forcing myself to be aware of the fact that the only time things are truly beyond control are when you YOURSELF decide to quit.

I’ve been building myself to say everyday… fuck quitting, take life by the throat and build yourself into being something you can be proud of again. Don’t just hear it from me though…apply it to yourself…regardless of who you are or your own personal challenges, the same theory can apply.

Here is to living with a clearer mind.

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11 thoughts on “A Quest of Self-Loathing

  1. I feel like this every day. It’s hard sometimes to feel comfortable with who you are. We are great at putting ourselves down and seeing the “greener grass.” It’s difficult to get out of our own heads and make a change, no matter how small. But I agree with you… we need to look past it, overcome our aversion to change, and simply do it.

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    • I found it very easy to fall into the crevice of just detesting life and myself. You can really get caught up in that feeling and it can be really hard to get away from.
      I think when you take the time to really consider who you are hurting and it comes down to being you and the people you care about…it changes everything. There becomes a need to readjust focus and live again.

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    • Thank you 🙂 I haven’t written for a while, well anything “bloggish” so went with a more honest approach. I’m glad that you enjoyed it. Hope that people can relate and apply it in a positive way…a little nudge of hope goes a long way… Have a great weekend/Friday 😛

      Liked by 1 person

      • Tbh, I’d been having a really rough week, and this was definitely a positive push that I needed. Happy weekend to you too 🙂

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      • Better a rough week then a rough month. Sometimes life can really kick you in the ass and while it’s easier to ignore…taking it head on, while difficult, is a reminder we can be in control so long as we don’t choose to simply give in.
        Hope your weekend gives you some peace and quiet 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • It can be an overwhelming thing. Baby steps. Better to take things gradually and just face them as you need to then to feel you need to remedy everything at once. Better to take on one thing at a time the right way then everything at once to questionable ends.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Mmm this is so true: we hurl ourselves and let life slide right until that final moment when we CANNOT stand it any longer.
    Personally I prefer the empathy approach when coming out of it… more of an “isn’t it sad how far you’ve fallen, little one?” thoughtline. Which of course is followed by deciding to “take life by the throat and build yourself into being something you can be proud of again.”
    You, sir, have a wondrous way with words.

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    • Thank you very much for your thoughts and the compliment. I try my best to make the content something people can identify with. I’m glad that you can make this a personal piece, mission accomplished 🙂

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