Online Shopping Exists because Men Hate Shopping

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Online Shopping Exists because Men Hate Shopping

Online shopping was developed based on the universal opinion of men toward the idea of shopping. Don’t believe me? I’m typing this as I’m sitting in the Target café as my wife and son parade around the aisles, did I want to walk around this preview of what my hellish afterlife is going to be? Absolutely not.

I can completely picture it, my afterlife is going to be the door of walmart, open-wide with a broken, blinkin ‘open 24/7’ neon sign, and every single employee, (greeters included, yes in this story they are being given the credit as an addition to the workforce), is going to be a screaming, throwing a fit, 3 year old child. It will be an emotional breakdown a day, repeated multiple times, that is my eternal damnation, but until I meet it, I don’t need any previews.

Anyway, back to topic, online shopping was an intelligent design created for the sole purpose of keeping men out of stores, why?, because we hate it. There is no middle ground, no man likes to shop, it grants us no pleasure. If a man tries to tell you otherwise, he’s either playing ball on both sides of the field, or he has one hell of an interesting history that he hasn’t told you about, and yes, I mean a sex change.

Retail stores came across the concept that by forcing men in a store for longer than we can tolerate often times it would lead to us walking out, our wives getting nothing, and a fight that leads to no shopping experience for a time to come. Their resolution, E-Commerce. Very, very clever.

The birth of e-commerce

For a slightly increased price range on products you are given the choice to stay home away from a place that would cause most men genuine aggravation.

Cons

  • Wife can’t see product, return possible
  • Return to store, absolutely not. Give me a mailing address

That’s about the only con, the pro’s, I would list them, but I’m in no mood to write a novel. More-so a helpful review that can possibly save the minds of our generation of the hard-working man.

Online shopping was put into effect for us, women, please, please, learn to use it more effectively. If you are a woman and are offended by this, I don’t care. It is not my fault the generic label has fallen upon you for loving to shop, you earned that shit, you’ve never seen a man skipping into a Walmart, and nope Ray Ray the happy homosexual doesn’t count as a man. He stands for undecided, and no, I don’t care about sexual preference.

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The growing pains of retail shopping

The time that retail shopping hits the truest point of the ‘gates of hell’ is when the clothing section comes into our view. When it is visibly in our grasp men of the strongest mental fortitude have a panic attack, because we know we are about to be put into a position where we are going to have to give true ‘opinion’ on women clothing.

Now, women, you may think this is ‘helpful’ from your point of view. From ours, within certain respect of ‘common sense’, we don’t care what you wear. We care in the sense that, as our woman, we expect you to not look like you belong on a street corner turning tricks, but outside of that, you could be wearing just about anything and will say “it looks fine, what’s the price” If you are looking for something more than that, the next time you will either have to:

  • Bring your girlfriends, who suggest the dumbest clothing choices available to mankind, hell, that’s what receipts are for (another creation made first for men, women stole it from us)
  • Bring your gay friend Sebastian (just making up a name here, nothing against anyone with that name)

I should also note, again, nothing against sexual preference either, I could care a less how you live, I just respect the notion of ‘conservative love’, love whoever the hell you want. Style wise, women and fags, men personally don’t give a shit, pass us a toga and some sandals, not our fault that history decided to label this unacceptable.

Men and retail shopping

Back to shopping:

Online shopping got put into development when men went to a new level of extreme, we would act in ways of pure ‘embarrassment’, with a singular purpose, to get the hell out of a store.

I recall running up and down aisles like I had a mental deficiency one time in Walmart, after they clarified I wasn’t an employee but a shopper, my wife became furious and stated it was time to go. As you can imagine, it broke my heart.

Online shopping is one of those things that grants the best of both worlds, and yes, men and women live in different worlds, but share a plane of ‘existence’. Online shopping allows the woman to become absorbed in items she feels she is deserving of, and gives the man the opportunity to express poetically from the couch the fact that he has no desire to buy it at the given time.

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Feel good shopping

What? Yeah, I don’t get it either, shopping for the concept of feeling good. Don’t get me wrong, I like gifts as much as the next person, I just prefer putting it toward something that actually makes me ‘feel good’, not promote me to hate life more. It’s like:

“Hey I feel depressed want to do something about it?”

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”

“How about we go shopping?!”

Wait…What?

What just happened?

As men, when we hear that statement, it is as if our loving, adoring woman sense our inner pain, the knife that resides within us, and decides with that inner thought “I’m gonna twist that son of bitch”, oh and twist she does.

If we are in the dumps our idea of shopping is either alcohol, or items that can provide a similar feeling, and that is as much disclosure as I will give toward that topic. After all, secrets are always more fun spelled out.

A closing statement

Online shopping was made for us men, it can’t be debated. It isn’t about convenience for shoppers worldwide, it’s the fact that as men we are willing to raise pure hell to not endure the pain involved with shopping in retail locations. It simply requires too much patience, and while as men we may lack patience, we have the intelligence to know we don’t belong there.

Shopping sucks, it’s a curse that can rip apart the most durable soul.

Retail and Wegmans, a Horrible Place to Work

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Wegmans- A great place to work, really?

If you are at all like myself, the retail world is something you’ve been in and out of every other year. In and out of partly because you know to take appropriate mental breaks; from the horrible wage, the customers not worth the wage, and the managers that pretend to care about your well-being, but more importantly, because you always hold yourself in that ‘light’ of having the potential to do much more with yourself. Hence, you continue a journey for a ‘great place to work’.

Again, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with working retail if that is what you do for a living, you get into the right position and it’s not so bad, but at the bottom of the chain, you might as well slap a chain on and start singing, because it feels damn near close to slavery.

Wegman’s is considered one of the top 100 companies to work for, really? Their slogan ‘Wegmans, a great place to work’ I have personally experienced their charade, and I don’t have much positive to say about them, but I’m going to say it anyway. They base the very cornerstone of their company on ‘Values’ and god do you ever get sick of hearing them, primarily because no one truly follows them. It’s one thing to preach for a common purpose and goal, and it’s another to try and get another voice in my head, I’m full up on opinions and voices that scream inside, hard enough to get them to quiet down when I want them to.

Wegman’s and its legendary values

If you ever have a manager, who has been demoted by the corporate strands of a company, talk to you about ‘company values’, it is code name for “you have the potential to ruin my ass” Which is what I got from my Produce manager on a near regular basis. This is yet another essence of this being a great place to work. Anytime a full-time position became available I was told how other people had more potential at the given time, and by potential, it means that their heads were buried so far up management’s ass they had a permanent glossy brown color along the ridges of their lips.

Back to these concepts of values, the driven message of the company is to pretty much love thy customer and do everything you can for them, but then, they go the extra mile of essentially saying Wegman’s employee’s come first, because if they don’t feel happy, they can’t provide good customer service.

Oh my, If there was ever a statement that claimed ‘welcome to hell, this is work in retail, be happy knowing your manager makes 70 grand a year, meanwhile, they found hiring me at $9.00 an hour to be a hell of an increase on labor hours for the week’

To further this analysis, I understand, retail operations use employees as they need them based on business needs. It’s a common ratio of supply, demand, estimated goods sold, and estimated man-power needed to run the operation efficiently.

I’m fully aware of the mathematical perception, I also know if you go from feeding an employee 30-35 hours a week, and then drop him down to 12-15 once business slows down a bit, he won’t be very happy with you. Well, this was one of Wegmans mottos; apparently they left it out of the hand-book. Essentially they treated you like a pimp, when things were busy you got used, when business slowed down, you got put on the shelf. Ah, such a great place to work.

Dramatic Virtues

Working within the Wegman’s environment is very much like sitting down with a table of pregnant women, it’s like a slew of problems unleashed by uncontrollable hormones that lead you to having a damn near panic attack. The people who work there that last operate on a level of professionalism that I will label as ‘High School’, on account of the following:

  • You like gossip
  • You have no real true care about your own dignity, and you live for drama.

From the moment you walk in the door it’s almost like a game has been set off toward who can be the largest tattle tale. I lost count of the times people had mentioned things I had ‘done’, which led to ‘pure denial’ on my behalf simply as an act of trying to get ‘promoted’.

The people who remained worked with the capabilities of keeping their balls intact, I will refer to both of these people by name, Steve and Vinnie, and it is an ongoing battle.

Vinnie is gunned for on a nearly regular basis on account that he doesn’t kiss ass, the part about it that should be a human resource dream war: Diabetes has claimed over half of Vinnie’s foot, yet the audacity is put forth in my proud produce department to complain that he doesn’t work fast enough.

Have they lost their damn minds? Nope, they have simply been shitheads all along. This is further validated by the fact I know now that Vinnie has been fired.

Yet another example as to why it’s such a ‘great place to work’. As for you Steve, you have been placed in the range of what I call an abused mental patient, because the shit you have to pretend to enjoy upon arriving there is enough to make a grown man cry.

Favoritism- A great place to work with the right blend

The assistant manager of my particular location may have written the concept on being a fake piece of shit. While he took several man hours pretending to be nice, his real goal, as a grown man, was to be buddies with all the young teenage girls of the department, which among discussion with my peers: several found to be creepy, but what was creepier was the fact that we all pegged him to be a homo from the beginning. The way he talks is very similar to taking the male anatomy, taking a very strong rope, tying it to the anatomy, and yanking is hard as you possibly can. The high pitched yelp that is released once this is done is the pitch level of a voice this particular individual had.

When he wasn’t stalking people half his age around the department trying to seem like he was hot shit, he was attempted to be bossy with the other workers, which much to his disadvantage never got him very far. He was very easy to ignore.

Wegmans- A great place to work? I think not

Wegmans has all the common concepts of your basic retail store, the problem is they are generated into a cult like perception point and distributed among the employees. The place is entirely based on kissing ass, which most retail tends to lean that way sadly, but this is a bit above and beyond the ‘natural’ idea of kissing ass. Unless someone has truly experienced it, they wouldn’t understand.

The company itself continues to go to hell on account of carrying value that appeal to pretty much no one, and being run further into the ground by a management staff that couldn’t find their way out of a basement. The room for intellectual growth in the management systems stays in the higher ranks of the company, with good reason. The people you run into in a majority of stores may seem awful nice, but underneath it all, if they are wearing the tag of a manager, they are an ass-kissing moron who is about as enjoyable to talk to as getting a shot at the doctor. Find another place to shop, there are plenty of options.

Dear Diary Bring Back Society Standards

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Dear Diary bring back Society Standards

Dear Diary,

Why does the world have such a tame approach toward a society that has lost its way? I found myself walking around today and it seemed like everywhere I looked the world has jumped farther and farther down the toilet. If there truly was a high and mighty lord up there, he would do us all a favor and flush half the population down the toilet, because what the hell has happened?

Society standards have become a tarnished has-been of a time. Society standards use to thrive on respect, yet anymore you have people who wear their clothing below their ass; and for those not having a clothing malfunction, you have the collection of people who feel that their opinion is the answer to everything, followed by the words “yeah son” or “hell yeah my brother”, Ouch.

Society standards are grim, makes you truly consider the real reason the older population is so happy and smiling all the time, they smile thinking, “thank god I don’t have to see where all this is going to lead to”. They came from a different era, and who can blame them for looking at our society standards and feeling like someone dropped a bomb that turned half the world into people who want to live the story that’s delivered in a ‘rap video’.

The concept of ‘cool’ has jumped off a cliff and died on account of trying to dodge the embarrassment of being associated with what constructs much of society anymore. I don’t say this out of ignorance, I too was once a gangsta, the difference, however, is that I was 13 and it has stayed in my memory since then.

The references I am making are people of the grown adult age group, and I mean, WTF?

If there was a virus that crippled and erased people who are on the mental level of a retarded chicken, our world would look like a batch of ghost towns. It would look like a pattern leading to extinction.

Acting like an asshole

First, acting like an asshole has different reasoning behind it. If you are opinionated, know a topic, and speak your opinion without the consideration of another’s thoughts on the subject, carry on! At least your actions have reasoning behind it. It’s the asshole who just thinks he’s a bad ass that is the problem. The ones with no inner inspiration and instead does that limp-walk criticizing everyone else for trying to have an original idea.

“Fo realz?”

Yes, fo realz, please go grab a fucking dictionary and work on your pronunciation for words that grown-ass adults should be able to say.

Thug life

Now, I’m going to address the whole thug mentality. I actually thoroughly enjoy people who like to take this kind of personality, but only under one circumstance: they understand the fucking persona.

From what I gather the italian version of a mafia man is the modern-day equivalent of ‘insert ethnic group, act bad ass’ and wallah, thug.

Now, with this in mind, this isn’t a matter of picking on people or acting like a general dick. The mafia kept together, wouldn’t take shit mind you, but wouldn’t run around picking on weak people, people with no ability to stand up for themselves, not unless they were the watchman on a bank vault and such.

So that brings the issue, what the fuck makes thugs ‘hard’ when they tease and pick on people who truly have nothing to respond with? They pick on people just trying to get through the day, and they leave the people alone that look like they could respond in an effective manner.

If you want to be a thug, be one, hold your own and mind your ‘boys’. You aren’t a thug because you are picking on someone who is underprivileged in life and making their day suck that much more. Pick on a marine, at least when he beats your ass you will get a life lesson out of it and learn to be a bit more humble.

I’m ranting, I really don’t have the energy to go much further with this because one cup of coffee simply doesn’t have the anxiety control it should have, just the awareness factor, but, society, what the fuck?

Wake up. Please give this world a fucking wake up call. It’s not fucked yet, not entirely, but it’s getting there.

The 6 Steps to a Successful Marriage

The 6 Steps to a Successful Marriage

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The key to a Successful marriage

A marriage is something that is truly delicate; it’s also a HUGE step in a relationship. A lot of people take it without the proper consideration at to what exactly they are getting themselves into, and the divorce rate shows exactly what I’m talking about.

My wife would argue that I should be the last person that is discussing the ‘successful marriage tips’, and hell, she could be right. I stick with the notion that ‘what works’ is truly a matter of opinion. We all have an opinion, and those who don’t speak it, that’s because life has beaten you down to the point that you are now a mime and a mute, you simply nod your head.

Given that, that, is absolutely no way to live, I’m going to give ‘Sean’s’ own opinion on what can make a marriage work and last to the good times. A successful marriage relies on factors and concepts and I will give you the analysis that revolves in my brain ‘dun dun dun’ here it comes:

Tips to a successful marriage- From a married man

  • Try not to smile too much- If you smile too often, you seem ‘too’ happy. Happiness is something that comes round once and a while, and if you abuse the feeling, you will forget what it is. Happiness becomes that dirty little secret, if one of you is miserable it’s going to be a target of frustration “Why the hell are you always so happy?,” go on, deny it, it’s the truth.
  • The woman is never wrong- As men; we are bound to be the ‘error children’ of the world. We are without depth, and clearly, our life experience does not count. With this in mind, a successful marriage is one where the woman can commit no wrong. She is a vast vessel of knowledge of the purest caliber. Men are given the image of cave men that scratch their ass and don’t know how to do anything right, up until shit hits the fan, then we are supposed to morph into hercules and defend all honor, that is as long as you are respecting ‘space’ and not being over-protective 🙂
  • Her friends ‘rock’- Your wife’s friends have to be cooler than yours. Their stories HAVE to be interesting (yes I know…brutal) and under no circumstance can you be mean to them. They are after all, the ‘family’ your woman chooses. A successful marriage means accepting family. When they talk about a trip to Dunkin Donuts and turn it into half hour story where Abu behind the cash register winks at the girl, it becomes a full-fledged romantic story where at one point he proposes and offers a private jet trip to India. I know, kidding, not everyone that works at Dunkin Donuts is Indian, it’s just a stereotype I’m having fun with. Oh, the romantic story? No, that really happens.
  • Your mother-in-law is an angel- Again, this is where you might as well get some Vaseline, because the friction when you bend over and take certain things can be quite painful. A successful marriage means your mother in law can do no wrong, and anything she does wrong is not of ill will, it is a mistake, and it should always be forgiven. Oh don’t pay any attention to the financial deficit it has sent you through, everything is okay. Up until you can’t help the in-law when they speak you are the god-son, the moment you can’t help, well, they are awesome at suggesting replacements for your ass to their daughter 🙂
  • Money is of no object- You are going to be the entrepreneur of the century cause guess what, us men have the secret to growing money trees. We have discovered what science cannot; we can take a penny and grow dollar bills from the ground. A successful marriage operated on the principal that you have so much money that you can never spend enough. $200 dress? Sure throw it in the bag! Who needs rent when you can hang out in an alley wearing that?
  • Accept you’re a bad driver- A successful marriage means not arguing right? Well no matter what you do when you drive, it is an immediate panic attack, and don’t forget, the other driver is always right! Especially if they are a sweet old person. Don’t get me wrong, I love old people, especially when they are genuine, but guys…your driving becomes impaired over time…my grandfather runs red lights and claims he’s good to go, these are things I know.

A successful marriage- Plain and simple

The truth of the matter is marriage is very difficult, it’s a matter of taking preference and desires and making them clear expectation. Like it or not, marriage is when you decide to ultimately make the big sacrifices, to take a person’s feelings serious enough to make them a top priority.

I absolutely do joke about marriage, but then again, I take very little serious. When you watch your own marriage crash and burn you tend to keep an open mind toward how most of them work in general, but regardless, it does’t take away the sour taste in your mouth from having experienced it personally.

Those tips will lead a couple to a successful marriage in days. Don’t hold back the love and fun now, take the step, and with those tips of genuine interest, you will keep that sparkle in her eyes forever.

The Truth About Grand Theft Auto

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This is about the gaming franchise, not the actual act, just to clear that up for anyone who is unfamiliar with entertainment of the current day and age. I would consider myself a gamer, to an extent, I mean I don’t play every second of the day, but if I need to blow off some steam, why not?

Grand Theft Auto is a game that originally came out back when I was around the age of 8 or something, I had no real understanding about what it was, I was a little guy that ran up to a car, threw the blurry guy out of the car, took the car, ran over the blurry guy, and laughed as I did it. If I was to really think about it now, I would think this is how serial killers were made, making killing someone amusing, but no, that passes for entertainment these days, and entertaining it was.

As time passed and I grew I think my parents were hoping I would outgrow the whole gaming thing, “So, how is Sean doing? Anything successful come out of his life yet?”

“Well, he dropped out of college but he is a hell of a playstation player”

“Oh.”

Well, not really. That would be a conversation to be had if my family had social gatherings, but we don’t, so such words were never said. The truth behind my gaming abilities has remained a secret for a very long time. That or it was very cleverly hidden like it was some kind of conspiracy, I’m thinking that is the case.

Anyways, the whole Grand Theft Auto game, as I aged, it began to dawn on me, these ideas were not in fact fictional pieces of art, these were in fact forms of expression.

Some guy, I would like to say he is probably my twin, was sitting in traffic one day, after one too many cut offs from some asshole on the road, this idea of brilliance was given birth.

Furthermore, I am going to reference the truth behind this game into a few segmented points worth considering.

Stealing a nice vehicle

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Anyone that has ever driven what I like to call a “bomb” has thought about stealing a better vehicle. We could be sitting in this *chug chug chug* piece of shit that sounds like its very breath could be moments away when, *Vrooooom*, a corvette pulls up beside “said” vehicle. If you don’t think the driver of the shitmobile doesn’t look to his right and see this old fat guy and think “I could take him”, meaning literally, take him and his car, then you live in a different world then I am from.

Many of the people who struggle with financial crisis like to think back in the day where strength rules and you could simply pummel someone to death if you like what they had, now that leads you to a confining space and the pillows they supply at that place suck.

Police are gay

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Going to iron this out really quick, I don’t dislike gay people. Gay people are nice, police however, are faggots. Like every kind of group I reserve the term ‘faggot’ for someone that poorly represents a group, and if anyone does a good job at that, it’s the boys in blue.

It is my firm belief that most police look like they belong in an S & M video somewhere, or they are fucking vampires. Someone should get the news to them that when it is 9′ o clock at night, you don’t need a pair of fucking sunglasses. You will look gay no matter what you do, go play with your walkie talkie ‘cowboy’ that never grew up.

In the game Grand Theft Auto you have the option of fighting the police, beating them, shooting them, in all truth it is pretty damn therapeutic. I actually lost myself in trying to follow the story of the game because I would block off a building with cars and go on a full scale sniping spree, I think by the time I was done the police department was out of ‘fill-ins’, they had a busy day of recruiting ahead of them, that was for sure.

I can’t say it changed my opinion on you guys that think you are bad ass because you can abuse the law, but I got to act out a lot of my fantasies about what I would like to do when you commit such acts as arresting for reasons that make no coherent sense.

Also, it is a known fact that most men feel we can outrun the police, it is actually something that has been polled for and researched a bit. This was also applied to the Grand Theft Auto game, we all wish we could effectively run from the police, when they were given chargers as the new police vehicle, this dream was taken away.

Removing hoodlums from the street

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Anyone that has seen the movie “Hobo With a Shotgun” can already somewhat relate to this, but Grand Theft Auto takes it a step further and lets you live the experience. Hoodlums, you get the play the part of a trash removal system, which is exactly what hoodlums are, trash, and it can also be therapeutic.

Every city has them, every state for that matter, doesn’t matter where you are, they exist, they are the real-life aliens that we see, and I call them aliens because calling them assholes is simply too easy, they look like this:

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Skip even learning what his real name is, stick to something that will forever make sense: DICK, That is the only word that describes people like this. The wanna be hoodlum is like the disease that has no cure, the thing that will always exist and that no matter how many disappear it will resurface eventually.

I think that if you gave people one day, kind of like that movie “Purge”, where you told people of a community,

“Hey, you have one day where you can address all the people that are plaguing your society, get rid of them however you’d like”

All the people that hoodlums think are afraid of them would have a quick turnaround. While hoodlums would be threatening said people with a switch blade, the people who were successful would be able to afford something along the lines of a semi-automatic weapon, and long story short, the world would be a bit more peaceful.

Hoodlums suck. I don’t care if it is your brother, sister, whatever, I was a wanna be gangster for a few weeks in my teenage years, I think we all go through the phase. It’s like the chickenpox except that some people never get cured, they just get stupider.

Making money wherever possible 

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Has anyone else noticed that the economy is not getting better? I will put it this way, I look back at my parents generation, back then, a person could survive by working one full-time job and having the other soul mate stay at home.

Anymore, that is impossible. The world wonders why everyone is so depressed, the theme of ‘struggling’ is everywhere you look.

“Why is no one happy?”

Well, for one, many people are suffering and they just ignore it and think about what next political move will be pure shit and cause an uproar, but when they aren’t doing that they are enforcing new “minimum wages” where they think they are doing the world a favor by raising it a whole 20 cents.

20 cents, really? What the fuck are you supposed to do with that? Maybe after all the misery of a week where you pull just enough money that big bad ass raise can be put toward buying a milkshake at McDonalds, while you cry and weep about how shitty life is at least you can taste some fake ass vanilla flavored refreshment, what an accomplishment.

But seriously, it’s completely ridiculed to think about ‘dishonest’ ways to make money, I’m not going to defend doing dishonest things for money, but I am going to say what the fuck you expect from people? You put anyone in a desperate enough position and if they have family that they have to take care of, desperate people do desperate things.

The relevance to this and the game? It simply gives you a ton of ideas of unethical shit that can potentially make you some money. Seriously.

I bet that in some third world countries someone was playing this game and a lightbulb went off in their head and they went:

“SHIT, this is a damn good idea”

Next thing you know, you got the follow up Pablo Escobar.

Don’t say video games never did anything for anyone, they can be quite educational.

 

So, all in all, just a little bit of a fun write up that with any luck provided a smile or two. Time to start doing some real work. Hope this was enjoyed in one way or another.